Here I am, again

I was hoping to write something about "me too," but I'm not there just yet...

If you don’t know, I recently got married to a wonderful person named Casey. When I was down in Atlanta getting married with my husband, I felt so loved and felt so much love in return that when I came back to NYC I kind of had a love withdraw. I started to feel really anxious, about… well everything. I was second guessing moving to New York, my financial choices, my carrier choices, and even the relationships that I’d been making. I felt so many feelings at one time that I literally wanted to shut off my thoughts. I didn’t want to be aware of them anymore. There were too many. When Casey or my friends asked me what my new years resolutions were, I was like “puh shaw”… think clear organized thoughts about my future? No, thank you. I’m pretty sure in dance we call that noodling. Yes, I had decided to noodle and hard core.

But we had a show recently and we got some pretty hefty feedback. One in particular was that we looked unsure. Now I don’t know what moment they were referring too or who they were talking about, but it was hitting me pretty hard. So, I knew my noodling had to stop… and in an effort to move towards more mindful thinking, I’ve been listening to a pod cast about life coaching. I hope Katie is proud. As I listened there were so many topics hitting home, but when she talked about feeling all the feelings, I thought she was talking straight to me. She talked a lot about how thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to actions. Womp, womp, womp, my noodle thoughts were leading to noodle actions. She says how managing your thoughts can help you create useful patterns of feelings and actions, but first your have to notice the thoughts you’re having.

Alright, I SEE YOU “COINCIDENCE”… so here I am again, committing to noticing what I notice, a mantra of the work we do. I want to clearly notice what has my attention, not to blame or judge myself but in an effort to consciously exist. To be. I want to engage with my thoughts and feelings. I want to practice mindful thought patterns so I can choose to respond to my feelings instead of just shutting down or reacting out of fear and negativity.

I want to commit to doing the work. I want to recommit to doing the work. And in the future I hope I’ll have the resiliency that I’ll need to commit again.