Ugh, per usual their words consume my thoughts in the most beautiful way. Those Architects. :)
The other day at MICI, Katherine was talking with us about using text and said "loosen your grip on syntax." Loosen as apposed to "let go." I often fight the fear of needing to make sense right away in an improv (or in life) with the usual opposing default of completely letting go. So this resonates... but what also resonated was that my grip is alive and has range. Just like things are always becoming. And I think sometimes I need to loosen my grip so I can be open to find a more stable grip later. Of course even now, I'm still thinking about everything this 5 word sentence means.
With some distance from MICI, I feel like I had to jump right back into work life and I wish so deeply that I had more time to think... "The antidote to panic is observation." I don't think we used the phrase "zoom in/zoom" out all week, why? I still want to know more about why I'm and object and a person. I'm not sure I'm ok with the moral implications! Let's talk more, but let's move more... Just jumbled thoughts that I barely began to unpack. And then with The Lovelies there too! There were so many great things to think about.
Often, I feel like my attachment to a desired outcome is too tightly gripped. And when I panic things aren't going that way I tend to grip more tightly, which I then feel guilty about. When I see friends (who are so inspiring) doing things that I want to be doing, I try to balance my backlashing spiral of jealousy with hard work. I tell myself if I just work a little harder and if I'm a little more organized I can make those things happen for me too, which could be true.
But... I want to try to be open to what is actually happening for me, because I often let the gap between my dream steal my wonderful reality. And I feel like when you live with what you have, you can allow yourself to fully be alive in the present and make grounded choices. I think dreams keep hope alive but I don't want to miss a moment of what is actually happening and the potential for new dreams to exist. In Katherine's words, I want to practice paying attention to more, so I can pay attention to more. And so... I'll keep practicing.