If I don’t feel good enough without it, I will never feel good enough with it. I told this to myself the other day as I tried to put on mascara for the first time in what felt like weeks. I’ve been having a mental debate with the media and the fashion world about how they tell me I should look to be considered a valuable, real, fully alive person. After the back and forth, I reluctantly chose that pair of skinny jeans and a shirt that feels like it will fit, but might as well just be another too-tight restraint I’m putting on my identity. Why is choosing what to wear such a battle? Another rant for a different day…
Anyways, back to the idea of not feeling good enough. It can be haunting. And I think we all wonder when good enough is ever good enough. Did I try my best? Did I make assertive, decisive choices? OR… did I let my self-doubt and perfectionism loom over me like the reaper? The answers don’t always seem cut and dry. I guess that’s why we call dance a practice since we have to face ourselves everyday to answer these questions about self-value. Maybe my choices and values will add up to mean something to someone else and maybe they won’t. So instead of waiting for someone else’s approval, I’m developing a mindset about my worth that I’m revising. My opinion about what is right or wrong constantly changes, but I’m still able to choose and that is not something to take for granted. I make choices and decisions that contribute to the meaning of my life and I am grateful for that.
If I don’t feel good enough without it, I will never feel good enough with it. Hopefully this statement will be a small reminder to myself about value and what I think adds it to my life.